It's been a while

Well, it's been a while since I have posted anything...not because there hasn't been anything to post, but because for a brief time it was no longer putting a smile on my face at all to come to the blog....just tears, only heavy tears....I miss you so much, and now Dom too.....I can't seem to wrap my head around it...when I talk to friends of mine that mention their "grandma who's 92 and so she's slowing down some" I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach....why are you gone? and then I start with the accident....we lost so much time together, and not even for the same reason....you should be here, outspoken, bossy and obstinate as ever, with love pouring out of you all the while....it is so unfair. I should get to say that about you 10 years from now, I feel like we deserved that and were robbed. I look at your face everyday in my kitchen, on my phone, in my room and I talk to you, I know you hear me because I have seen you more than once in my dreams, even got to hug you once, and you did that thing for my Mom like I asked. It was nice, when you told me you weren't really gone, but I want to see you and hug you all the time and have you roll your eyes or say something smart-assesd to someone and more than anything I want this not to be real, not to be for so long without you. It still seems so unreal, like you are on some long vacation where I am just not going to see you for a while, for longer than I am accustomed to, certainly not for...well, so long.....it's weird, but I am coming to the realization that I am still in some sort of  shock, that must be it, like denial....I don't know. I am having such a hard time right now and I want to talk to you, so this is the only way to keep it from eating me alive I think. When New Years rolled around everybody kept saying to me "2011 is over, now you can move on with a better year" like that was supposed to make me feel better....it made me feel bitter. I made truffles the other day and I was rolling them in crushed nuts, my fingers were coated with melted chocolate and crusted with nuts, it felt just like when we would make breaded steak and my fingers would be coated with egg wash and bread crumbs. I sat there at the table and sobbed as I licked it off.  I hope God isn't getting mad at me up there...tell him no offense, I feel like I talk to you way more than Him about stuff lately...I am sure He understands, put in a good word for me ;-) it's rough down here lately, I am feeling pretty beat up....I miss you just doesn't cut it- but it's all I've got. Give Dom a big hug for me, I miss him so much too. Love Victoria.