It feels like it's getting harder...

Or maybe it's getting more real.  I haven't even checked this blog in about a month.  I guess I just figured we now all reached the stage of grieving seperately.  Maybe just because I had...I try to hide my tears because I really don't think anything anyone would do or say would help.  Or even worse, say something that just makes me want to slap them.

Mary Louise told me when she shared with Aunt Louise how this is getting harder and Aunt Louise replied "What did you think it was gonna be easy?".  It's like a light bulb went off--exactly!  Leave it up to a DeMeis to put it short and to the point.

My one consolation is that I know I can expect a visit from you nightly in my dreams.  Every nite I dream of you..some of them vague others more clear.  The other nite I got to hold you, hug and kiss you.  It was wonderful and heart wretching at the same time.

Sometimes I just get so mad.....I just thought there was going to be more time.  I honestly didn't see you leaving here that soon.  God knows I didn't want to see you go on living in the condition you had been in those last 6-9 months but then I get really selfish and think at least I could have touched you.

I try not to think of those last 5 days...but they just creep in...some of those memories can just about bring me to my knees.  So Victoria thank you so much for the comment to your Mom's post about Nona reaction to Andrew shaving his head.  That was perfect!!  I could hear her voice and see her face perfectly!!   I needed that!! 

Victoria I'm sorry life is beating you up...I know if it were me it would make me miss Nona even more.  She was our safety net, huh? 

So I will get thru another day---sometimes feeling o.k. and other days not.  I do know that where there is much invested there is going to be great loss.

Sweet dreams,

Valerie

It's been a while

Well, it's been a while since I have posted anything...not because there hasn't been anything to post, but because for a brief time it was no longer putting a smile on my face at all to come to the blog....just tears, only heavy tears....I miss you so much, and now Dom too.....I can't seem to wrap my head around it...when I talk to friends of mine that mention their "grandma who's 92 and so she's slowing down some" I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach....why are you gone? and then I start with the accident....we lost so much time together, and not even for the same reason....you should be here, outspoken, bossy and obstinate as ever, with love pouring out of you all the while....it is so unfair. I should get to say that about you 10 years from now, I feel like we deserved that and were robbed. I look at your face everyday in my kitchen, on my phone, in my room and I talk to you, I know you hear me because I have seen you more than once in my dreams, even got to hug you once, and you did that thing for my Mom like I asked. It was nice, when you told me you weren't really gone, but I want to see you and hug you all the time and have you roll your eyes or say something smart-assesd to someone and more than anything I want this not to be real, not to be for so long without you. It still seems so unreal, like you are on some long vacation where I am just not going to see you for a while, for longer than I am accustomed to, certainly not for...well, so long.....it's weird, but I am coming to the realization that I am still in some sort of  shock, that must be it, like denial....I don't know. I am having such a hard time right now and I want to talk to you, so this is the only way to keep it from eating me alive I think. When New Years rolled around everybody kept saying to me "2011 is over, now you can move on with a better year" like that was supposed to make me feel better....it made me feel bitter. I made truffles the other day and I was rolling them in crushed nuts, my fingers were coated with melted chocolate and crusted with nuts, it felt just like when we would make breaded steak and my fingers would be coated with egg wash and bread crumbs. I sat there at the table and sobbed as I licked it off.  I hope God isn't getting mad at me up there...tell him no offense, I feel like I talk to you way more than Him about stuff lately...I am sure He understands, put in a good word for me ;-) it's rough down here lately, I am feeling pretty beat up....I miss you just doesn't cut it- but it's all I've got. Give Dom a big hug for me, I miss him so much too. Love Victoria.

It must be in the name.

Well mom I don't have to tell you here how much I miss you or how heart wrenching everyday is, I tell you several times everyday and I'm sorry for dumping on you but then again you never minded that.  What I want to tell you is how our little Eleanor is so much like you not only with the crooked smile and the inside mouth bitting but she just says it and walks away.  For example, (and I can hear you laughing already) They spent the night hear New Year's Eve and while we all were getting our pj's on Eleanor asked me and I quote"Nona what happened to your boobies, they fell down".  It must be the name.  I'm sorry you are missing all this cause I miss you more than words can say.
 Mary Louise

We Made It

Well, we all did it, we got through the first Holiday season without you.  Not sure how, but we did.  Actually, I know how - we pulled together and just did it, which is what you would have wanted.  We all miss you terribly.  We went to see you on your birthday and had a nice dinner at Olive Garden in your honor.  It was a good day, a nice day.  Heartwrenching obviously but good nonetheless.  99% of the time I find myself thinking of you and smiling, somehow it doesn't tear my heart out like I thought it would.  I miss you so much and there's a picture of you, Tor and me hanging on the board next to my desk that I look at I couldn't tell you how many times a day.  That one makes me misty eyed everytime but it also is a great picture that reminds me of so many good memories.  No one outside of your grandchildren understand what it was like having a Nona like you, except my sweet nieces who have a Nona just the same.  We were all so blessed to have you in our lives.  I guess I've just said all this to say Thank You.  For being who you were, for being with us through the Holidays - showing us you were watching over us, and for loving us as you did.  I love you.  I miss you.  Everyday.

Xoxo
Veronica

Dominic

Thursday night I sent a friend to heaven for you, but you already knew that, you sent a rainbow into my back yard to let me know you were waiting to welcome him to heaven with you. Thank you for that, it comforted us all. 

I remember when you were starting to feel pretty sick I brought him with me one Sunday. Mom had told me you were having trouble following and remembering conversations. When he came into the living room with me you were on the computer and you looked at him and smiled and petted him and he licked you and rubbed on you, like always. You asked me how he was and I said “he has cancer, but he’s doing alright” and you said, “I know he has cancer, that’s how come I asked how he was” later on, at dinner, you looked at Mom and said, ”you know he has cancer” and gestured to him and rolled your eyes and shook your head in disgust, like you always did when you disapproved of something that was happening. Needless to say, we were all pretty surprised…but you always did love him and he really loved you. He always loved coming to your house, he loved hanging out on the deck and roaming the yard with the kids. I have a great picture of him getting a bath in the back yard after rolling in something super gross in the yard. I will never forget the time I left him at the house to go get something and he chased some kids away from the house while Mom screamed after him- your house was home to him too, and you were family too. So now, be sure he’s with you up there, please, keep him for me until I get there too. He’s a great protector, so if anything negative tries to come your way- trust me- he won’t let it happen. He’s whatever you need him to be- a friend, guardian, playmate, confident, whatever you need whenever you need it, so hold him close for me okay? And tell him thank you, I know he wanted to go the week after you did, but he held strong and made himself feel better, hid his struggles and was strong for me until at least a couple days went by without me totally breaking down and he was certain his son could try to step in and shoulder his share of the burden of taking care of me. I am glad he has a friendly face up there, someone to love him until I am back with you both again, and when you come check on us-which I know is often- bring him with you, please, let him travel with you- he’s the perfect forever friend.  Another hole in my life….my heart and soul crushed again…..but now, at least when I think of both of you, I can know you have good company and I can be certain you both are waiting together for us.

EJMISSU

....is the personalized license plate I saw driving back to work from lunch today. I was behind the car for a couple miles and couldn't figure out why I kept looking back at it, then it hit me. Duh! It's those stupid small things. So...EJ...I do miss you <3

Veronica

I get it

This morning I got on Facebook and the first thing I saw was a post from one of my friends that simply said "Amazing grace how sweet the sound". I found this ironic after the "You are my sunshine" story from Friday. It crossed my mind that this was you again confirming you were there watching us the whole time, and still are- but I told myself not to be that person that reads into every little thing. I mean, the "You are my sunshine" was too weird to not be you but "Amazing grace" is a pretty popular spiritual song and my friend is a Christian, so I sort of dismissed it- not all the way- but mostly. We then went to church. I should mention that this morning would traditionally be a morning that Andrew would influence us not to go- he worked all night last night and only had 2 hours of sleep before he had to be up and ready. Normally this would result in us skipping morning worship because he couldn't get up and be awake enough to go- but not this morning- to my pleasant surprise he jumped up, showered and was ready before me, so off we went. We got the kids settled into their Sunday school rooms and were walking in as the church sang the first song. I set my purse on the pew, took a sip of my water and I am hearing the song leader talking about how this is her favorite song and she is so excited for us to sing it this morning because it has so much meaning to us as Christians, because "we all know truly, Lord,  How Great Thou Art" I gasped audibly and literally broke down with my head in my hands. I get it....you see us....you know everything we did and everything we are doing. I am shaking as I am typing this because I still can't believe it! I couldn't sing, and I am sorry for that. At your funeral I remember Mom turning around and gesutring for me to sing out and I am glad she did- it helped me share my gift with everyone there and will always be one of the most special memories about that experience- that and singing Amazing Grace at the cemetary. So I get it..I really do, but please don't stop- it keeps me going and eases my broken heart just a little, and I will try to sing for you next time.  I love you, thank you for those gifts for us.

Victoria