At dinner yesterday, we were talking to Papa and he reminded us that today is your 61st anniversary. The pain on his face was so visible, and we spent just a second talking about how the little things make us cry everyday when we remember you aren't here, then I don't think we could handle it anymore, it was a short discussion. 61 years....you were kids....I think about how much I am hurting all the time, this reminded me of how much he is hurting too.
I hurt so bad....your abscence is so raw. I will be so glad for us all to be together on Thanksgiving, but if I am being honest, I am dreading it....Veronica wants us to have no tears on Thanksgiving. I am sure she is right..we need to enjoy the day...I don't know how to. Everything reminds me of you, I have to hide my tears from the girls so many times a day...but especially today. It's the worst day I have had since I came home from being there the week you left us. I sobbed for hours today...like Aunt Val, I don't have anything to add that will make anyone smile today. Sorry. Today I feel bitter and cheated. This is supposed to be a place for us to be honest, to be able to reflect on the good and the bad, today is just bad. I miss you so much, I can hardly breathe. I think about telling you I love you, and I hear your voice say, "Oh, I love you too, darling"...will there come a time when I can't remember the sound of your voice? Oh God, I hope not....
When I am in a better place, I am going to post some things from that week you left us, things that happened that let us know you were still with us that I don't want to forget, I am not ready to do that yet. This was a rambling of thoughts, not very put together, not very me, well, not the me I usually put out there, but I am trying to stay true to the purpose of this space, and this is what came out today. All my love.
Victoria
Thanks for posting honey. If you makes you feel any better--I still remember my grandmother's voice (mother) that never left.
ReplyDeleteMonday was hard for me too..just walking around literally with a heavy heart. Today was a little better.
It's weird..there seems to be this cycle..every Friday after work I start feeling really sad (I think subconscious knowing the work week is over for me and I don't have to 'perform' anymore). Then by Sunday nite it's really bad and the climb out of that starts mid-day Monday. Just the way it is....